Love and Hate

• January 31, 2013 • Comments (0)


It may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are in love, but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency.  It seems that most love relationships become love/hate relationships before long.  Love can then turn into savage attack, feeling of hostility or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch.  It is easier to recognise the source of negativity in your partner than to see it in yourself.  It can manifest in many forms: possessiveness, jealousy, control, withdrawal and unspoken resentment, the need to be right, insensitivity and self absorption, emotional demands and manipulation, the urge to argue, criticise, judge, blame or attack, anger, unconscious revenge for past pain inflicted by a parent, rage and physical violence.

On the positive side, you are in love with your partner.  This is at first a deeply satisfying state.  You feel intensely alive.  Your existence has suddenly become meaningful because someone needs you, wants you, and makes you feel special and you do the same for him or her.  When you are together, you feel whole.  The feeling can become so intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance.  You become addicted to the other person.  He or she acts on you like a drug.  You are high when the drug is available, but even the possibility or the thought that he or she might no longer be there for you can lead to jealousy, possessiveness, attempts to manipulate through emotional blackmail, blaming and accusing, fear of loss.  If the other person does leave you, this can give rise to the most intense hostility or the most profound grief and despair.  In an instant, loving tenderness can turn into a savage attack or dreadful grief.  Where is the love now?  Can love change into its opposite in an instant?  Was it love in the first place or just an addictive grasping and clinging?

You can not love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next.  True love has no opposite.  If your love has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meet.  But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs.  The feelings of fear, pain and lack that are an intrinsic part of ego consciousness, but had been covered up by the love relationship now resurface.  Just as with every other addiction, you are high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you.  When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings.  This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain.  This attack may awaken the partner’s own pain and he or she may counter your attack.  At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be a sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change his or her behaviour, so that it can use them again as a cover up for your pain.  Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain.  Whatever the substance you are addicted to, alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person, you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.  They do not cause pain and unhappiness.  They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.

Life is about relationship; the relationship we have with ourselves, with each other, with the world.  When our relationships are good, we feel good; when they are bad, we feel awful.  Let’s accept it, we need each other.  We need to feel connected; we need to feel each other’s presence and love.  We lost sight of where we belong, and instead, we experience intense feelings of loneliness and confusion.  Trying to find the way back to our place in the whole is what the spiritual seeker’s search is all about.  It represents a journey home to who we are.

How about you?  Do you ever suffer from a sense of loss and wander?  The biggest problem facing the world today is not people dying in the street and not inflation, but spiritual deprivation.  This feeling of emptiness associated with feeling separated from the higher forces, with the pain we experience when we perceive ourselves as isolated and separated from each other.  They can overtake any one of us in a heartbeat, even in the very midst of happiness and joy.  Loneliness implies a lack of meaningful connection.  We can feel separate and apart.  Separate from what, we might ask?  Separate from others, separate from ourselves, separate from the Divine, separate from meaning, separate from love.  Separate from a sense of belonging.  Don’t we all need to feel the light and warmth that emanates from others?  Don’t we all want true love?  Don’t we all hunger for genuine communication?  When our relationships are superficial, we feel as though we are leading superficial lives; when our relationships reflect our deeper commitments and aspirations, we feel as though we are walking a more meaningful and satisfying path.  Love comes through relating.  That’s why we must connect.  Greed, jealousy, fear, and the shadows of our personal histories often corrupt our need for romance, passion and love.  We want personal connections that bring us the abundance and joy they initially promise.  Evil often triumphs but never conquers.  If the hand has no wound, one may even carry poison in it.  Poison does not affect those free from wounds.  Evil does not affect those who carry no evil.

My teacher often used to say: sometime we know, sometime we don’t.  Sometime we’re strong, sometime we’re wrong.  Sometime we live, sometime we die.  Sometime we give, sometime we wouldn’t.  You only get it when you are still halfway.  If you find that you have gone all the way, keep going.  At the bottom of things, most people want to be understood and appreciated.  Ladies and gentlemen ask yourself, who did you love today?


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Simon Lau

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Master Simon Lau's life has been dedicated to cultivating mind, body and spirit to the highest degree. He was born in mainland China and originally educated by Buddhist monks. Herbal Medicine & Qigong "I truly believe that the minds that co-ordinate the activities of violence can co-ordinate the activities of co-operation. Everyone has an equal right to eliminate suffering and seek happiness." "In keeping with the Warrior tradition I have focused my life as much on being a healer as being a martial artist. I am a sincere practitioner of Qigong, Chinese Herbal Medicine and Chinese Astrology, believing that physical and emotional health is equally essential for self development and inner awareness. Everyone has the potential to improve and change "because each new day represents a new life. Every hour of our time is a gift." Master Lau holds many accredited certificates and awards including: Traditional Chinese Herbal Medicine Register of Chinese Herbal Medicine (R.C.H.M) Association of Hong Kong and Kowloon Practitioner of Chinese Medicine NHS Directory of Chinese Herbal Medicine World Academic Society of Medical Qigong China Martial Arts Master of Kung Fu Combat Hall of Fame Award 2000 Combat Lifetime Achievement Award 2001 He is also the author of the well received reference book “Master Kung Fu". Television and Media In 2010 Master Simon Lau was requested to demonstrate the No.1 Position in Discovery Channel’s acclaimed documentary 'The Greatest Ever Weapon'. He was the resident Grand Master in Sky One’s reality TV show 'Fight School' and was also chosen to appear in the BBC Martial Arts Documentary 'The Way of the Warrior' and in 'The Living Body', a documentary on the human anatomy made by Gold Crest Films for Channel 4, he illustrated the significance of muscle power. Master Lau gained this part after proving he had the fastest punch of the martial artists who auditioned. Following this impressive performance, he was asked by Gold Crest to show his skill in a television advert for St Ivel Gold Margarine. He then started an Anti-School-Bullying Campaign which was covered by the Mirror Newspaper and the Guardian's Education Supplement. Other press accolades include full-page front covers and main features in Combat Magazine and Sweden's best selling Fighter magazine. For two years in a row, Combat Magazine presented him with awards for his contribution to and development of the martial arts in the UK and abroad. Cambridge University Union In September 2000, Master Simon Lau was honoured to become a guest speaker on the subject of human energy at Cambridge Union.

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